Marriage Therapy: If you change nothing – nothing changes!
Marlowe has been a marriage therapist for 18 years. She is trained in Gottman’s Marriage Therapy. Gottman’s marriage therapy has been an empirically researched approach that is designed to help teach you and your partner specific tools to deepen friendship and intimacy in your relationship. All relationships have conflict. It is how you manage those conflicts that matters. Gottman’s therapeutic approach will help you and your partner productively manage conflicts. You will be given methods to manage “resolvable problems” and dialogue about “gridlocked” (or perpetual) issues. Together we will work to help you appreciate your relationship’s strengths and to gently navigate through its vulnerabilities.
What to expect: In the first session we will talk about the history of your relationship, how you met, how your parent’s resolved their issues; your areas of concern, and your goals for your relationship. You will each be given an assessment to take with you. The assessment covers 19 perpetual issues that couples can have. Of the 19 perpetual issues, couples usually come up with 5 or 6 areas that need some work. This assessment will help me to highlight the areas that are working well and the areas that need some work. You will be filling out the assessment independent from each other and then place it in a sealed envelope and return it to me before our next session. Neither of you will ever see the other’s assessment. It is only for me to use in order to prioritize the most to least issues you are having in your relationship. When we start to learn the “Conflict Management” skills, I use the issue that has the least affect on your relationship.
The length of therapy will be determined by your specific needs and goals. Many times when I am working with couples, one or both may have specific issues that are blocking your chances for a more harmoniously relationship. For example; if one of the partners has ‘anger issues’ then I would work with her or him for a few sessions; or if one of you is suffering from anxiety or depression then I would counsel that person for a few sessions then we would resume couples therapy.
The first step: In Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work his research has show that one of the areas that starts couples down the road to a failed marriage is: poor relationship skills that harm a marriage. Learning “Conflict Management” skills is a good start.
Gottman has also identified four areas that predict Divorce Predictors
First sign: Criticism
Criticism: You always have some complaints about the person you live with. There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality.
Second sign: Contempt
Contempt: Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humour. Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you are disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.
Third sign: Defensiveness
Defensiveness: Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness don’t always appear in a strict order. They function more like a relay match-handing the baton off to each other over and over again. One becomes increasingly contemptuous-mocking the other in the guise of questioning them and tearing down every plan he/she devises. The defensive one becomes the more they attack. The body language signals are condescending. The heart rate goes up and when that happens neither couple are now capable of solving anything. The body is into a ‘flight-fight’ mode and the brains cannot cognitively reason or resolve issues.
Fourth sign: Stonewalling
Stonewalling: An example would be: A husband comes home from work and is met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room rather than confronting his wife – he disengages. In other words he turns away from her to avoid a fight. A person who is stonewalling acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you are saying.
Still not sure? Do you Stay or Do You Go?
Before you decide read these Gottman’s books available through Chapter’s Canada. Price range around $20.00 each. Well worth the read.
If you decide that your marriage is over, you still need to see a marriage therapist as well as a lawyer, or mediator. I have helped many couples navigate the separation and avoid a “Toxic Divorce.”
For example:
- How to announce your separation to you family, friends, and especially your children.
- Avoid using the children as pawns in your separation.
- Life after divorce.
- Getting through the emotional roll-a-coaster.
https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/
https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/